I don’t want to be a jerk or anything and I get how maybe you didn’t think a pony was a good gift for an irresponsible 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 or 11 year old child living in a 2nd floor flat in Montreal city, good call. But I’m at a bit of a loss as to why you failed me all those years in a row re: Barbie’s dreamhouse.

Honestly Santa, was a Mr. T action figure or a Mork and Mindy T-Shirt really so much to ask? Silly Putty? Come on! It’s only a dollar at Dollarama today. How much could it possibly have cost in 1976?

The thing is Nick,
My therapist may insist that my fear of abandonment/paralyzing inability to trust /OCD/Oppositional Defiance Disorder etc… are stemmed from daddy issues or that I’m competing with my mother or burying a past trauma in the recesses of my subconscious but I think I’m pretty in touch with my feelings and the only one person that I can think of in my entire life who has been consistently absent from my life, filled my head with gross fantasies and empty promises and, for all intents and purposes, failed me, is…

Look, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, probably just a (repeated) oversight on your part, but this has been one hell of a year and I’m thinking that if ever you were to get the urge to redeem yourself, now would be a really great time to do it.

I have taken the liberty of making you a list so you really don’t have to put any thought into it at all.

1) A Sweater hand knit by somebody’s grandma, preferably with reindeer and holly on it but I will easily settle for snowflakes if that’s all you’ve got.

2) A state of the art 21.1-megapixel full-frame camera to capture the growth, brilliant smiles, cherished moments, exhilarating love and emotions of my beautiful daughters. And also so I can take naked poorly lit amateur photos of myself and text them to my boyfriend when he’s on tour.

3) A Tofurky. I can’t find one anywhere and I’ve been ridiculed over the phone by every grocery store in the city this week.

“Tof-what? What is it? We have Turkey”

“No, I’m sure I’ve bought it
there before. It’s called Tofurky, it’s made of Soy product and… ”

“We have Turkey sausages.”

“No, it’s a stuffed..”

“Oh! Stuffing! We have it in boxes and in tubs”

“No a stuffed…”

“We don’t have stuffed Turkeys m’am you have to stuff it yourself.”

Please, Mr. Kringle, don’t make us settle for faux tourtière again this year, I suck at making it and it tastes like ground cardboard, even with Ketchup on it.

4) Employment insurance (even on sick leave) doesn’t pay the rent let alone Christmas so I was thinking…
I’ve got their stocking stuffers covered, I keep a junk drawer full of them ( batteries, razors, condoms, pennies,twist ties etc…),
but I could really use enough money deposited into my bank account to buy some cool presents for the kids. It’s one thing to give a gift certificate for a massage or taking out the garbage to your husband (and even then…) but they never go over quite as well with the kids. I thought of making them clay ashtrays shaped as iPods but wondered if it might give the wrong message. Speaking of money and youth protection…

5) Rent paid for the next 6 months (or last two), so I can take my drinking and child neglect to the next level (finish writing my book, album and one woman show).
The world will be a much better place, I assure you.

6) My youth back. Preferably my 6 year old energy, 18-21 year old body with my 32 year old brain, if it can be arranged. If not, I’ll settle for that Mork and Mindy T-Shirt.

7) I have three kids, a dog and the neighbour’s cat (who refuses to go home). Without exaggeration, 3 1/2 hours is how long my dryer takes to dry one sock, a dishtowel and two cotton pillow cases. I’m not sure if we have a washing machine anymore because I cant reach the area it was once situated in, due to the mountain of wet mouldy laundry that has been waiting 6 months for it’s turn in the dryer. So please…Santy, be a pal

8 ) And last but not least, Sephora. Yes, the whole place. A whole Sephora, of my very own. That’s what I want.

9) UPDATE! Telus just disconnected my cell phone (again) because the bill is past due by ONLY 8 DAYS!! Please Father Christmas, please, please, please kill them (economically) PLEASE.

Alright Jultomten, I think that pretty much covers it. I thank you sincerely for your time and look forward to hearing back from you at your earliest convenience.

Love Jen (Jennie)

P.S. Thanks for the Slinky