Tag Archives: Russell Brand

I wanted you until I wanted to be you until…

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Once in a while, like every few years or so, I convince myself that I am desperately and shamelessly head over heals in love with a celebrity.
No joke
I plan our wedding, our children, our joint-career endeavors and our garden…

Jimmy Fallon was relatively short lived and perhaps not very well thought out but I was still young at this and he was clearly a rebound from Adam Sandler. Besides, there wasn’t much accounting for taste in the 1990′s now was there?

Rather than stage interventions, my family welcomes my obsessions with open arms and often even enables me.

I think I still have the pillow case with Jimmy’s face printed on it (thanks mom) that I received for Christmas one year…

I had the children trained to refer to Jack Black as Dad for the years and years and yeeears that our affair lasted.

At first I threw myself whole-heartedly into the fantasy, spending hours upon hours daydreaming without limitation or self-speculation.

Sadly, I have a tendency to be a tad over analytical and after my dad pointed out that maybe it wasn’t so much a crush on Rick Mercer I was suffering from as the desire to be Rick Mercer the wheels in my mind started painfully and reluctantly grinding.

This can’t be true can it? My love devalued? I mean, why on earth would I want to be a wealthy satirist/comedian/screenwriter/actor married to a talented and handsome T.V. producer? Actually I have no idea if Gerald Lunz is handsome or not because when I google-imaged him all that came up were photos of Rick Mercer.

Can I just say, being as possessive as I am, that I wouldn’t complain one bit if every time a chick googled my boyfriend their desktop was instantly littered with pictures of me.

MINE.

The thing is, after watching every episode of Tenacious D’s HBO special 65 times, stalking Jack Black daily for years, running to the theater on opening day for each and every one of his films (if I couldn’t find an illegal copy of a bootleg pre-screening on the internet)
and selling sexual favours my soul for a hot copy of Heat Vision and Jack
I started to realize that maybe, MAYBE, there was a grain of truth to this theory.

I’ve dreamed of being on Saturday Night Live since I was 10 years old… Jimmy.

Have wanted almost nothing more my whole life than to be a multi-talented, musically inclined comedienne with an awesome vocal range, impeccable comedic timing and the best facial expressions ever… Jack.

I wanted to be as funny and brilliant as John Stewart, and as articulate, charming, courageous and quick witted as
Russell Brand…

Rusell Brand… Russell has a beautiful voice, stars in movies, had his own T.V. show and radio show and writes a book every five minutes! Oh Russell…

This makes their coupling *cough cough* even more confusing.

First I have to live with the rejection and the jealousy and then, living vicariously through them, the identity issues provoked by their bizarre taste in women.

When Jack Black and I first fell in unrequited stalkeresque love, he was dating Laura Kightlinger which was almost totally cool with me. Except, of course, for the me hating her because she was doing it with my dream man part.

I may have called her names and willed Jack to leave her on account of my irrational jealousy but the competition was worthy. She’s hot, interesting and hilarious.

But then what does my man go and pull behind my unsuspecting back?

Marries and impregnates Tanya Hayden. What?? Yes. Sure, she’s cute from some angles and she plays (my favorite instrument on earth) the Cello but I heard (and by heard I mean saw in a back stage video of a quick clip of a conversation) Tanya say to somebody “I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have a nanny and had to take care of Sam all by myself”

Um… parent your child?

And what did Jack do without my permission? Had ANOTHER baby with her.

What’s that sound?
Oh that, just my heart shattering into a billion pieces.

By the time the crazy glue started to dry the universe was kind enough to plop Russell Brand in my unsuspecting lap.

But, Russell, being rather notoriously impulsive, walked out on me mere moments after setting up house.

No sooner had I downloaded his entire radio show, watched both his television series six times in a row, re-watched Get him to the Greek and Forgetting Sarah Marshall and everything else he’s whispered a line in, plus bought, read and re-read his Booky Wook 2,000X had he proposed to and promptly thereafter married none other than singer “songwriter” Katy Perry.

Ugh.

Ur so Gay

Seriously?

The first line in the song is:

“I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart”

Oh! Is that what gay people do Katy? And also, has anyone you’ve known ever hung themselves? I’m guessing no.

Speaking gay…

I kissed a Girl. Hard core annoying.

First of all, Katy, most girls have kissed a girl at some point between adolescence and mid-life crisis.

Secondly, Chapstick smells good but it tastes like wax, even if it’s cherry flavoured.

Thirdly, why do you say I Liked It as though there would be any reason not to?

Girls are awesome kissers. In fact, in my experience, girls are almost always better kissers than guys. Maybe you should have kissed a few more before you wrote that song.

Then came California Girls.

Katy please, stop. I’ll give you this. The video would make a pretty cool framework for an awesome burlesque video but it’s entirely irrelevant to the terrible song it accessorizes.

Me: ” Do you think she is actually smart and just putting out this god-awful music as a way to laugh in our faces and say – Look! I’m making money off of the stupidity of the average consumer! Or do you think she is actually a moron and Russel Brand has finally lost his mind for good?”

Boyfriend: “Why do you need to hate her so much? Do you honestly take it personally that Russell Brand married her?”

Me: “Answer the questions honestly, it’s important to me.”

Boyfriend: “I think she is smart”

Me: *insert sound of crickets and a blank blinky stare*

When I was finished feeling the sting of being simultaneously rejected by both my boyfriends for stupid Katy Perry I gave myself a talk and came out of it deciding to give Katy a second chance.

I listened to her album, fought the nausea and decided she’s smart and Russell did good *cough* picking a cute girl with a great sense of humor, *wheeze* a giant bank account and, most importantly, great clothes.

Then I saw this:



“I’m talking about zits here people!”


I totally give up.
Now who am I going to be?



Jennifer June

Judgement day…

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A girlfriend’s boyfriend cheated on her and said

“I’m sorry if my actions made you feel bad”

and, naturally, she wanted to strangle him.

“He couldn’t even say that he made me feel bad or that what he did was bad!”

Seriously? It was your actions fault but not yours? So let me get this straight, you were hanging around being a generally all-around-cool-guy when your actions suddenly, with absolutely no notice and no time for you to stop them, jumped on a unsuspecting girl and AGAIN before you knew it, flirted, seduced and did the nasty with said random chick?

Dude, you need to get your actions in check. Maybe buy them one of those little 5-point baby action harnesses, some puppy hump pads or a training crate or something.

Elvis was on T.V. late one night.

Me: “Oh Elvis, you dreamy hunk of lying cheating dirt-bag. I am lonely tonight, if only you weren’t dead and alive in my living room right now.”

Boyfriend: “It’s my living room and you’re not lonely”

Me: “There really is no need for that jealous tone, it’s not like the man-whore is among us, may he rest in peace.”

Boyfriend: “But if he were…”

Me: “Shhhhhh…”

days or weeks or months later…

Bob Marley wails (hehe) …”The sun is shining, the weather is sweet…. Makes you want to move your dancing feet”

Me: “Oh Bob, you deep and sensitive songbird, you poetic adulterous horndog. I wish you were here singing in real life. I wish you had been half as spiritual as you were said to have been. I wish you hadn’t fathered 13-30 children from Jamaica to Sweden to Seattle and back so I could truly love you as much as I love your songs.”

-Boyfriend emits heaving sigh. “His wife cheated on him too…”

Me: “OF COURSE she did! Wouldn’t you? Bob is out acting like a rock star, humping everything in his path without even so much as a second thought, or a condom for that matter. He fathered about a billion children for god’s sake. Excuse poor Rita for a having a moment of weakness in her husband’s wake.”

RE:Brand is on television and Russell is bathing naked with a homeless man, giving him a shampoo mowhawk.

Me: “Oh Russell, you wayward, whoring junkie, is it wrong that there is a part of me deep deep down inside that wants to have your babies?”

Boyfriend: “Do you think maybe you are a bit too judgmental or uncompromising?”

Me: “Well, not that deep down really”

Here’s the thing…
I AM one of the most opinionated people I know. I have very strong feelings about what’s wrong and what’s right.

DON’T HURT PEOPLE. It’s that simple.

Soon, when my book is finished, the 3 of you who read it will wonder if I’m not a big fat hypocrite for being all full of moral standards despite my past and even some of my present.

I have cheated and lied, done drugs, drank excessive amounts of alcohol, jaywalked (I know…) and even done some things so lame that I would prefer not to admit them right here and now.

But here’s the thing. I’m undeniably understanding, forgiving,(did I or did I not offer to have Russell Brand’s offspring despite the demons of his past?) patient and compassionate (I’m basically a saint, with the exception of that whole cheating, lying, drinking, drugging, judging people stuff). And also, I take responsibility for it when I fuck up.

When I am an ass, I will clearly state that I have been an ass. I will apologize for behaving like one, and I PROMISE not to apologize on behalf of my actions, as though they were an uncontrollable entity apart from my own self, with a mind and a will of their own.

And seriously, If my actions ever do cheat on you, lie to you or steal your lucky underwear without my permission, they can apologize for themselves.

Jennifer June

Do me!!

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The impending To-Do List beckons from the dining room table.
I pretend not to see it and busy myself with other important tasks, such as moving things from one counter to another, checking my web site traffic and lecturing the dog.

Soon enough, half the day has gone and nothing on the list has been done.
Shortly after, the day has passed entirely and I begin to mourn the loss of opportunity, accomplishment and reward.

Worst of all, there be a whole new list added to the existing one by morning!

My mother sometimes writes a Have-Done list to record her victories in a day, rather than bog herself down with a half checked list of things she was supposed “to-do” but failed to accomplish.

A friend recommended, “I only put things on my list that I know for certain I will definitely do, this way I’m sure
to feel accomplished at the end of the day.”
Oh Ok, Cool

Jen’s (revised) To-Do List

1 ) Be annoyed that I had to get out of bed
2 ) Promise not to drink coffee today but drink it anyway
3 ) Check E-mail
4 ) Talk to my mom on the phone
5 ) Refresh facebook page 6-600 times
6) resent the dog for breathing too loud
7 ) Look at one of my kids like I don’t know who they are at least once during the day
8 ) Read some other blogs for inspiration but don’t actually write anything
9 ) Contemplate showering
10 ) Wonder if it’s too early to switch to wine

Another friend goes as far as to confess that she only writes things she actually wants to do on her list.

Right…

1 ) Wake up to the giddy chatter of housekeepers and the sweet sound of a garden boy watering my hibiscus trees
2 ) Eat a light breakfast with tisane served by Curtis Stone at a bistro table next to my imaginary swimming pool.
3 ) Stare blankly at my imaginary personal assistant as she updates me on all upcoming engagements and red carpet events.
4 ) Go to the hairdresser to have my hair washed
5 ) Nap in a hammock in Mexico
6 ) Respond to hilarious tweets from my best friends, Russell Brand and Sarah Silverman
7 ) Oooh and Aahhh over my children’s straight A report cards and premature acceptance letters to Harvard and Yale
8 ) Lunch with friends in Brussels
9 ) Foot massage
10 ) Switch to wine

Seriously people, I’m desperate and I need your suggestions… When is an appropriate time of day to switch to wine?

Jennifer June

Almost no sex in the city…

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So….
I rarely go to the movies because my kids are all old enough to like the same films as me now and it costs about 6 billion dollars for the four of us to go together. That having been said, in the last week, my girls and I have been to TWO, count ‘em TWO movies.

Sex in the City 2

was at times almost painful to watch.

I’ve officially gone from undecided over which character I would most like to be to which character I felt most sorry for.

Samantha has gone from being a confident independent connoisseur of promiscuity, illustrating that even older women are foxy babes, to a hormonally deranged walking hot flash, grabbing desperately for a stranger’s penis on a dinner date in hopes of getting some action. Apparently she was strong enough to fight cancer, chemo and balding but aging sends her into a state of complete idiocy, scrambling to the ground, frantically and shamelessly scavenging for the condoms that fell out of her purse.

Charlotte’s character brags of realism because it shows an honest look at parenthood yet they had to make her baby a miserable screaming monster who does nothing but cry, day and night and her other child got finger paint *GASP* on her four trillion dollar vintage dress! Can you imagine? How did her full time live-in nanny let this happen???

Miranda’s part was boring and they have turned her into a ditz which I was most disappointed by because she was always my favorite on the show.

Carrie…
Basically, her internal struggle throughout the film is that her husband has become too much like a husband and would rather stay home and eat together and snuggle in bed watching old black and white movies, then go out on the town with her and her friends? Um…

Naturally she cheats on him with her ex-boyfriend who (SURPRISE!) just happens to be in Abu Dhabi at the same time as Carrie and this in turn, provokes Big to punish her by buying her a massive black diamond ring, and they live happily ever after.

OK, I’m being harsh, I mean let’s not focus on the writing, content or continuity so much. That’s not the real reason why we go see Sex and the City right? We go for New York… oops I mean Abu Dhabi and…

The FASHION!
All they pre-movie hype about the fashion was totally misleading as well.
I’m sorry, I’m entirely aware that true fashion is neither realistic nor wearable in public and I still enjoy looking at it and imagining that maybe one day I might actually have the occasion to wear gold riding pants and a gainsborough with a brim wide enough to shade an elephant, a circle skirt made of live gardenias or a barbed wire bikini. I don’t think there was one single outfit in the entire 2 hours of the film that I would wear on fantasy island much less in the cobblestone streets of an Arab market.

So, all in all, with the exception of watching Liza Minelli “Put A Ring On It” and the brief appearance of an Australian rugby team frolicking in the pool, the film was a total fail.

Next!

Get Him to the Greek

Dear Russell Brand,
My schedule is clear and free for marriage and baby-making so… whenever you’re ready.
Love Jen xx

Jennifer June