“I can’t tell you exactly m’am” droned the receptionist, in time with her rolling eyes, “But it will be at least 2 hours still.”

“Boring!” announced my daughter

“It doesn’t hurt that much, I’m going to school.” And she did.

At 8am this morning it did hurt that much so we went to a different clinic.

We caught 4 flues 6 colds and 3 non communicable viruses, ogled babies and criticized wardrobe.

We commented on the renovations, admired the new flat screen T.V., used the bathroom out of sheer boredom, changed seats twice and went out for coffee and a croissant.

We watched what may have been the worst cooking show with the ugliest host and hostess preparing the grossest meals on earth, a terrible french talk show, and a sixteen hour long infomercial for the Derma Wand; In which clients were offered the choice between the wand or $1000.00.

They all (of course) chose the wand. This is intended to prove how awesome the product is but sadly only proves how stupid some consumers are, as the Derma Wand is only four payments of $29.99 each and comes with a free DVD valued at $10.00. So… yeah.

The guy in the chair next to me was a little on the young side but cute enough to look at. Not cute enough, however, to be snuggling up to me the way he was.

First rubbing elbows, then thigh pressed against thigh, then basically just napping on top of me. When I shifted positions he made a call on his cell talking Majhi. He tried to make it look important but was clearly just trying to lure me with his sophisticated exotic tongue. Nice try buddy…

He curls up to the wall to doze off again, pressing his butt cheek against mine and wiggling his way closer to my womb with every fake heaving sigh.

“Chloé Coooozner?” Calls the doctor.
“Mom.”
“That’s not your name.”
“Mom”
“What kind of name is Coooozner?”
“MOM!”

The doctor is an adorable little Vietnamese man in his 70′s maybe.

“My daughter burned her leg with a stick of incense and it hurts more this week
than it did last week.”

“HA!” He blurts, “What are you? Hindu?”

“What if I was?” She responds dryly.

He pokes her with a finger condom, hands me two band-aids and a prescription
for polysporin and is still laughing to himself and miming a strange prayer ritual as we walk out of his office…

“Hindu incense..hehe”

I curse under my breath for the two days lost, over a tube of cream that we already have in the medicine cabinet, wave at the baby who is there because he was bit by another baby at day care, and wink at my new lover on the way out.

Six and a half hours of waiting in waiting rooms, all for two free band-aids.

But…

I thought men were supposed to be insatiable horn-dogs that wake up every morning with raging hard-ons and chase their wives around relentlessly all day and night, trying to get some action. I thought it was the wives who were too busy washing their hair and getting headaches, driving their poor husband’s to have torrid affairs with their secretaries, nannies, pool boys etc…

What if it’s not true, has this society imposed cliché actually done nothing more than smother men’s libidos with the pressure to be sex obsessed perverts and create insecure self doubting, crazy-making wives/girlfriends?

I think that most of us suffer from the odd drought from time to time and I think we might all be a little bit to blame. I think we are tired and lazy and I think that even when we are aroused, many of us think about sex and follow that thought up with…

but then I’d have to move or…shower.

It’s so much easier to effortlessly sink a little deeper into the couch and watch another episode of Mad Men. It’s kind of like having sex anyway isn’t it?

As I have mentioned in the past, I also think we expect a little much from our partners at times. I for one have been shocked by the surprise that sometimes it takes more than simply being female and laying in the bed next to a guy to get the fireworks going.

But some ladies are genuinely making an effort, they have stopped wearing granny panties and bought some real lingerie and still aren’t seeing results. They have coquettishly but fruitlessly flirted, sprained their eyelashes, hinted, suggested and possibly even begged.

So here’s the thing. If I’m stumbling on an average of 75% percent of non-single women who range from peckish to sexually starving, there has to be about a bazillion others out there and they need your help.

I don’t mean the kind of help that you can get from any issue of Cosmopolitan either.
Light candles and put on Barry white isn’t real advice and neither is turn off the T.V.

What do you do when your guy is more interested in his laptop than your lap dance? how does one reignite the spark when it has faded or died out
completely?

And men please! I know you’re reading this. Leave your comment anonymously if you’re shy, but please feel free to leave one just the same. Go on now, enlighten the ladies.

*But people please, no comments about how your man is a multi-orgasmic love stallion who gives it to you 10 times on a slow day. Nobody cares, nobody believes you and you may unnecessarily cause some women to file for divorce or at least get so drunk this afternoon that they forget to pick up the kids from school so zip it.

When I was still in, I lay playing with the controls of my foldy bed, thinking long and hard about what would happen if I just died, right now. What if I never get the chance to do all of the things I wanted to do? What if that was it?

*insert Peggy Lee singing – Is that all there is*

I’m not complaining. OK, maybe I am, but only a little. I’m happy to be home. I’m thankful I’m on the road to recovery. It could have been so much worse. I appreciate life in a whole new way and all that great stuff too! It’s just that I’m a bit surprised and maybe a tiny little bit disappointed that I’m not more…excited, rejuvenated or inspired or something.

I was sure I would come home and write a 6 foot long bucket list but so far “never leave the house with dirty laundry in the hamper” is the only task that has made it on there.

I was sure I would come home and take life by the balls but I’m still too tired to take the salad bowl off the fridge and put it up in the cupboard.

I was sure I would come home full of love and tenderness for absolutely everyone on earth but instead I feel intolerant and bitchy and occasionally overcome by the urge to stab somebody in the eye with a plastic fork.

I blame these steroids they have me on. They keep me in this walking coma and are starting to make me seriously doubt my sanity.

Some of the possible side effects include mood swings,anxiety, irritability, frequent urination, blurred vision, increased appetite and insomnia.

So, basically picture me half blind, sleep deprived (averaging 3 hours of sleep at night), paranoid, anxious, short-fused and starving, with the constant feeling of urgency nagging at my bladder.

I’m SO fun to hang out with!!

So Zen.

So full of love and tenderness.

National Masturbation Advocacy Coalition
962, rue Sainte-Catherine Ouest
Montreal Quebec
H@B 1E3
(514)8@5-15@2

Re: File #3264769
Attention: Mr. Steve A. Cobgobblerr, Chief Demonstrator

It has come to our attention that you may be under the impression that
you were somehow being wrongfully accused of thought crime.
I would like first to inquire as to whether you had to hunt day and
night for the enclosed quote, or if you keep it on hand at all times as
a means of justification, in the event of an emergency.
I would like to assure you Mr. Cobgobblerr that we, here at

http://www.killing_him_softly_with_my_beave.com

support your cause whole heartedly. I would also like to remind you of
the hefty donation made by our staff just last Christmas. I add also, in
case you had forgotten, It was my colleagues and I who first petitioned
for the Stat Holiday that (thanks to us) enables every North American to enjoy
Weekly National Self Gratification Day. I understand your department has been
under a tremendous amount of stress due to the thorough investigations and repeated audits that you are
currently enduring, but please, take a moment to think before jumping to
conclusions.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Chapman

Shellout Credit Systems Ltd
2227 St-Catherine ouest,
Montreal, Quebec,
H2theY 1H9

22/04/03

In reply to: The Relevance of deposit 29290
National Masturbation Advocacy Coalition 962,
St-Catherine W.
Montreal Quebec H@B 1E3 (514) 8@5-15@2
Attention: Accounts Payable
To Whom It May Concern:
Subject: Response of our organization to your position

We here at scs feel that maybe our intentions were misconstrued by your organization.

The quote you mentioned in your previous letter was, as previously requested, part of our research for your ongoing campaign.

It is hard for us to understand the relevance of your most recent communication with us.
It would be advisable in the future if this sort of miscommunications between our organizations is to happen again to have a joint contingency plan full of double talk and non committal statements just so we can play with the big boys down at the chamber of commerce.

As far as we are concerned this payment is still due and the matter is not closed.
Regards,
Steven A. Cobgobblerr
Shellout Credit Systems Ltd
SCSL

SFW Canadian Institute of Psychiatry
696, rue Saint-Catherine Ouest
Montréal, QC H@B 1B9
(514)8@1-15@7

Mr. Cobgobblerr,
This letter has been forwarded to inform you that we have recently
received a copy of an email correspondence between yourself and Ms.
Jennifer Chapman.
While your letters prompted great concern for your health and personal
well being, they have also provided us with the opportunity to offer you
some information that should prove to be of great benefit to you.
Our institute is currently conducting a short, highly confidential
study of financially burdened, sexually repressed, neurotic, borderline
psychotic males with low ego strength and poor reality testing aged
18-35 who have significant social anxiety, labile mood and
moderate-to-high alcohol consumption. Eligible participants will receive
$40, a bag of 10 pairs of pre-owned, off-white tube socks and a $12.00
Pharmaprix gift certificate for 4-5 hours of interviews and testing. The
study also includes follow up therapy sessions and a 6 month membership
to The Montreal Soaring Council.
Please call immediately upon receipt of this letter, to confirm a
pre-interview assessment.

Sincerely, Dr. Dick Munchandrun