Tag Archives: 40 years old

40 years old

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What does turning 40 years old feel like?

I woke up feeling about 150 years old, shaky and nauseous. I looked in the mirror and saw a tired and haggard old woman, wrinkly, puffy and green. My legs were trembling and I had to lay back down.

The sofa was too warm, polyester and stunk like dog so I rolled gracefully on to the cold damp floor.

“Who let the dog on the earuifhff…”

The real question really is who let Lisa pour a 26er of Vodka and 37 gallons of cranberry juice down my throat last night and did we actually have 17 phone conversations with a guy we both used to date (and I use that term very loosely) and haven’t spoken to in literally 21 years??? God love him.

Hang on, I just need to rest my head for a minute…

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So today is my birthday and I have failed you all. I can’t accurately describe for all of you, who are 39 and younger, what turning 40 feels like because I am an irresponsible jerk was bullied and basically threatened at bottle point, into drinking copious amounts of alcohol with my long lost friend Lisa.

In all fairness, we hadn’t seen each other in about 11 years and she had just flown in from Vancouver, despite being almost fatally (stress kills people) terrified of airplanes. The poor thing bawled like a baby at takeoff, landing and every hint of turbulence in the air. To make matters worse, the flight attendant refused her alcohol on account of her smelling like a brewery, and when Lisa bashfully confessed that she is scared of flying, the stewardess merely cackled and kicked her in the knee.

So,
was I in any possession to refuse her proposition of one little drink?

To any of you who were waiting with baited breath, for the play by play of my final maturing into adulthood:

I hang my head in shame and apologize profusely for letting you all down.
Technically I don’t turn 40 until 6:15 pm though so if I can find a cure for this hangover, there’s still hope for a report.

P.S.
Whoever left this note on the dining room table that says “mid-life crisis”, I hate you.

Love mom Jen xox

Jennifer June

Surprise!

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So here’s the thing…

I have all these little projects in the works right now, that I am super excited about, including a very special and  super secret surprise one that I CAN’T WAIT to show you guys. For real, It’s making me a little nuts, keeping my mouth shut.

It’s a bit of a stressy week starting tomorrow, practice, practice, write, practice, the impending court date with the landlord on Thursday morning, followed by a mad dash for Toronto, the minute the judge announces that my brood and I are tossed to the curb. I’m only going so I can find out how many days I have left to pack up the truckloads of useless crap that I have accumulated over the years but refuse to let go of, on account of my abandonment issues combined with a deep seeded, ego driven need to collect proof souvenirs of all past worship memories.

Then off to the Toronto Burlesque Festival with 3 fellow burlesque babes. Because if a car full of tasell twirling yahoos, pumped up on freedom,  glitter and highway coffee,  on their way to rip it up for four days in a pile of booze, boobs and rhinestones isn’t one hell of a road trip what is? WHAT IS?

When I get back I start packing up my palace and searching for a new one. MOVE I  love moving. I really do. So do my kids. We’re like a little pack of gypsies.

I don’t love looking for a new apartment. I don’t love competing with other potential tenants who have impeccable credit and a full month deposit hiding their pocket, for the home I want.

I really don’t love looking at shit hole apartments with half the bedrooms than what was advertised in the listing, 6 or 16 blocks east of where it was supposedly located, for $200.00 more than it was listed for. I’m not a huge fan of peeling linoleum or parkay floors and rotting cupboards littered with mouse droppings and cockroach cadavers. I REALLY ESPECIALLY don’t love taking the bus half way across town in a heat wave to a potential place, only to find out that the owners either forgot to show up or, even better, gave the apartment to a nice couple just yesterday (oops sorry!)

But I do love christening exploring, decorating and celebrating in a new home. I also love waking up and having my first coffee in our new place, looking around thinking… I wonder how long this one will last I live here now.

It’s like traveling, only… not.

So, yes…. Court, Burlesque Festival, house hunting, working my ass off on my new, fantastic, super secret surprise project that I CAN’T WAIT to tell you about AND the super awesome act that I am writing for the September 22 Blue Light Burlesque show at Café Campus this fall. It’s going to be my bravest performance ever and you’ll only know why if you come.

Oh! And my book! I have over 37,000 words written. Can you believe it? OK, I know, after edits that works out to about 97 pages but still! Woohooo!

In the middle of all this (16 short days from today) is my birthday and I am going to be 40 big, fat years old.  I know right? How do I stay acting looking so young?

My secret: Pure, unbridled immaturity I bathe in rain water, painstakingly collected by hand from the clogged sewer grates in the alley, exfoliate with dog dander  and wash my hair in the vomit of  dung beetles. There you go. You have the key to eternal youth in your hands and you didn’t even have to pay 4 weekly payments of $19.99 for it.

SO! For this big giant amazing 40th year of me gracing the earth with my stunning good looks, infectious laughter and addictive charm, I am going to have a big giant amazing surprise birthday party for myself and you are all invited. The biggest surprise of course,  will be where this smashing shindig will be located what with us being semi-homeless and all. I’ll have to keep you posted on that one.

I’ll try to keep the blog updated while all of this is going on and I’ll try not to make every single post for the next two weeks about turning 40 but I can’t promise anything.

Love Jen.

Jennifer June