Impending Doom

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Jennifer June (admin)

Yesterday, as I approached the house after work, I caught a sight that immediately evoked a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Only it was less of a sinking into the stomach feeling and more of a rising of the stomach into my throat feeling.

Or the two combined.

I haven’t opened a Gas or Hydro bill since September 1807…

But wait! That logo doesn’t belong to a utility company…

Ah… it must be a registered letter from the landlord. I’m 21 days late on the rent. It’s clearly an eviction warning…

But wait! Registered letters come by registered mail, not by FedEx.

Who is this letter from? What do they want?

We will re-attempt delivery tomorrow by 5:00 PM

The glorified Post-It menaced.

I tossed and turned sleeplessly all night, sweating and fretting about tomorrow’s call from fate.

I racked my brain.

No recent eBay purchases.

No official documents expected.

No recent “I’m mailing you an envelope of Anthrax” threats…

As the morning sun crept over the housetops I dragged myself reluctantly from the safety of my duvet. I made a strong cup of coffee and put on a brave face.

I was working at home when the doorbell rang again.

I knew there was no point in prolonging the torment.

I knew I had no choice but to face my fears.

I’m a big girl, I whispered to myself as I took the long walk down the front foyer.

There he stood, through the *frosted glass of the little window of the front door. **The bold FedEx logo glaring on his chest.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Miss Chapman!” ***He barked accusingly, and shoved the package so forcefully into my abdomen that it knocked the wind out of me for at least 12 seconds.

My hands were trembling.

Who sends an eviction notice in a box?

I stabbed at the cardboard with the steak knife I had earlier used to cut my morning cupcake (don’t ask) with because I’m~~impatient~~ ~~gross~~ ~~lazy~~ not a quick-thinker when in traumatized with terror.

I tore at the paper stuffing, thrashing the box about wildly in a desperate attempt to rid it of it’s (probably poisonous) contents.

Damn you FedEx! Damn you straight to hell with your impossible to open boxes made of cast iron disguised as carton!! My voice echoed into the cold stillness of my impending demise.

I’m not afraid of you!! Get out of the box you spineless, cowardly what-ever-the-hell you are! Come on! Bring it!!!!!

So… it was probably about 2 months ago that I called Hasbro and informed them that there were no replacement part order forms for Boggle on their Canadian website.

The sweet customer service agent told me that she would send me the forms by mail.

The angel clearly went ahead and sent me the parts instead.

While I continue to live in fear of having both the Gas and the Hydro cut off, my heart stays warmed because I heart the Hasbro customer service lady more than she can possibly imagine.

- We may soon have no heat, hot water or electricity (again) -

But we WILL have BOGGLE.

And really, does anything else even matter when you have BOOGLE?
And Candles… and matches…?

Does it?

*That was a lie. The glass on our front door window isn’t frosted. I just thought it sounded cooler.

**Also a lie. I couldn’t see the logo anywhere.

***Didn’t happen. He was super sweet and jolly.

Jennifer June

Supper And Strangers

Posted on February 20, 2012 by Jennifer June (admin)

Saturday’s Show was brilliant, it really was.
The cast was fabulous and audience was inspiring and full of love and unbridled enthusiasm.

Sunday was a slow and sleepy day, laundry, yoga and baking cupcakes day.

And a super cozy evening at Emma’s loft.

Look how fancy, sophisticated and refined we all were, discussing Bed & Breakfasts, Japanese history and Pterodactyl porn…

Vegan Chocolate Cupcakes

“Ever do The Stranger? You know, sit on your hand before masturbating so it doesn’t feel like your hand?”

Asked dinner guest to my right.

Simultaneously, the woman across from me yelled out “THAT is so LAME!” as I blurted “Oh my god that’s SO COOL!”

I’m officially convinced that my mind is regressing as quickly as my eyes are wrinkling and my boobs are sagging.

Minestrone soup, Beet and Arugula Salad, Fresh Pasta with four sauces – Pesto & Sun-dried Tomatoes, Caramelized Onions, Anchovy and Tomato-Sweet-Potato-Corn.

The meal was delicious and went on slowly (as meals should) for hours.

This is what the Spanish mean by taking the time to enjoy the things we do every day, like eating, talking, living…

The loft so comfy-cozy and welcoming I packed my house, moved in, painted the walls, raised 2 dogs and wrote 3 novels over desert.

Brownies, Lemon Meringue Pie and Chocolate Cupcakes.

The company quite lovely. Always fun to meet new characters – hear new voices – admire new faces…

Thank you to Emma for a perfect evening.

I need more of this in my life…

Jennifer June

Sexiest Valentine Ever Part Two

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Jennifer June (admin)

Colonoscopies are SO AWESOME!

Minus how gross the preparation is, and the super-fun side effects of the preparation and the going to the hospital part and the gowns and the painful discomfort of having your bowels inflated with air part oh, and also minus the having a tube crammed up your butt part.

But aside from that stuff, totally awesome.

As promised, I wore my valentine bra for the event and I was pretty pleased with myself about that, despite the fact that nobody actually saw it… except for my boyfriend who pretty much just laughed at me and said “You’re stoned baby” when I presented it to him.

I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to watch the procedure on a computer monitor. Colons aren’t nearly as gross as I thought they were. In fact I found it kind of cute and quite fascinating.

Of course the other thrill of the experience is laying around in the recovery room with the rest of the fart orchestra. So cool. 8-10 semi-sedated men and women, laying around farting together.

The (conductor) nurse walks around the room reassuringly,

“Don’t be shy people, let it all out!”

and they do.

“That’s it, roll onto your left side and feel the relief!”

I wasn’t disoriented and drooly like the other patients and naturally accused the nurse of not having given me the good stuff but she assured me I got the same drugs as everyone else.

Franky concurs by perception but what does he know?

“you’re slow. I mean, slower than usual.”

I broke-up with him on the spot but he redeemed himself by bringing me to Juicy Lotus for lunch for what tasted like the best food I have eaten in a hundred years. I don’t know if it was the starvation or the quality of the food but let me tell you that I was no longer hungry when we got to the desert and this was hands down one of the BEST cheesecakes I have ever eaten and it is 100% VEGAN.

Then Franky handed me this:

Dit Oui

Which in English means “Say yes”

To which I asked

“Are you asking me to marry you?”

To which he responded.

“I’m asking your for butt-sex. You know, since…”

At which point my ass fused itself to my chair.

After vegan meatloaf and vegan meatballs and avacado salad and faux-shrimp rice-noodle salad and sweet-potato soup and brownie and the best cheesecake I’ve eaten in Montreal, we rolled ourselves home.

Where we had a nice long post Valium-drip / post pig-out nap, and later watched Belle de Jour while eating ourselves into a state of utter delirium – which, by the way, isn’t hard to do when supper is Indian take-out from Dad’s Bagels.

All in all my Valentines’ day was composed of sexy lingerie worn during a deeply intimate butt-probing, some pretty good drugs, mountains of delicious food and getting cozy with my man while watching a movie about a frigid housewife who cures her fantasies about bondage and humiliation by getting a day job as a whore.

Honestly,

what more could a girl ask for?

Jennifer June

Sexiest Valentine Ever Part One

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Jennifer June (admin)

Oh, you thought I was joking yesterday?

No, no I was not. I am hell bent on having the sexiest colonoscopy anyone has every had in the history of womankind.

You laugh, but I booked a Brazilian for this bitch and everything. Showered, legs shaved, full make-up, hair and nails…

I even picked out a pre-hospital-gown Happy-Valentine-Colonoscopy outfit:

Go big or go home people!

There is no reason why fasting to the point of delirium or running to the bathroom to poop ever five minutes should take the natural glitz and glamour out of having an endoscopic examination of your bowels via CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus.

Is there?

I mean, it’s basically like starring in a porno… am I right?

Tune in later today for Sexiest Valentine Ever Part Two
which I will hopefully write under the influence of a Valium drip.

Jennifer June

Because Food Is Soooo Overrated

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Jennifer June (admin)

Today is the day before THE day.

Today Groupon sent me (and only me because they love me best and I am their special Valentine girl) these sexy romantic offers:

Romantic Valentine Dinner

Sexy pole dancing for your sexy Valentine date

Festive Valentine ass-probing

OH! The IRONY!!! I hear you world. I hear you laughing at me loud and hard.

So, this morning, in preparation for my own festive ass-probe, the fasting commenced.

7:00am

Espresso - No milk

8:00 am

White Cranberry Juice

9:34 am

Vegetable broth - Hope this counts as a clear liquid even though I can't see through it.

I’m already starving. This is pathetic. I often forget to eat all day. But today, not today. Today eating is ALL I can think about.

I glare at the kitchen accusingly each time I walk past it, which is often – because I am pacing at it’s door on purpose for dramatic effect, even though the only ones home are the cats. They don’t seem to have noticed.

Grrrrr. I hate you Kitchen, you evil temptress, taunting me with your bounty.

Oh how I long for just one single cashew, a dried cranberry, a sesame seed…

But no. Instead, more tea. Yay!

Actually, in all seriousness, this tea is so good I could eat eleventeen gallons of it. I just wish I had a Thai Bowl, a BLT, a salad, some dumplings with peanut butter sauce, Salt&Pepper Tofu, Sushi and a stuffed portobello mushroom burger to go with it.