Dom: “Wanna go for a hike tomorrow morning?”

I don’t know what hiking is like for the rest of you but…

11:00am – Soy Lattes in hand, butts in van, headed for the 40 straight out of town.

Drive away from Montréal with no apparent destination, for as long as you like.
Play a game called “which random exit should we try?”
Continue driving aimlessly through various towns and villages until you are seduced by a sea of apple orchards.

Change activity to apple picking and spend significant amount of time trying to convince people to allow you to pick their apples despite the fact that the orchards are seemingly closed on week-days.

Find orchard that has no human beings in or near it, park and go for a stroll through the apple trees.

Get nervous when a small pick-up truck comes barreling towards you.
Discover that the truck is not orchard patrol but a gang of 12-14 jolly, waving Mexicans.
Get confused.

“Dom, did we cross a border when I wasn’t looking? We are still in Canada aren’t we?”

Continue illegal meandering and apple tree molestation

“Just smell this leaf”

while planning imaginary move to the country and discussing slave labour.

Get back in Van and continue driving until a sign jumps off the side of the road screaming your names.

“Dom! Look! Booze!”

Wander around Cidery, curl up in giant leather arm chairs and pretend you’re in your own cellar.

“Darling, do pass me a bottle would you?”

“Certainly lover, bubbles or apple brandy?”

Buy big bottles of cider, apple caramel spread and pear almond dark chocolate confiture while conversing at length with the salesman about fruit harvesting and the separatist movement in Québec.

Attempt to leave cidery but instead notice the “mountain” that stands directly behind it, as well as a sign indicating that you can hike it for a mere $3 per person.

Ignore the part about the $3 and follow the path to a map and a series of laminated cards indicating what sorts of wild life might be found on said mountain.

Dom: “Hmmm… owls, hawks and salamanders. Not very exciting. I was hoping for lions, bears and angry sheep but whatever. Shall we hike?”

Jen: “Angry sheep?”

Enjoy most beautiful adventure through wooded paths.
Feel the leaves and bark crunching beneath your feet.
Smell the autumn breeze and damp soil on the forest floor.
Get entirely lost.
Say nothing about the fact that the pennies that Dom is leaving as a tracker, along the path, are leaf coloured.
Find secret lookout and stand frozen with awe as you look out on acres and acres of farmland.
Wish you could stand there forever.

Step in suspected angry sheep poop.
Watch Dom throw crab apples in the general direction of a very angry bird, in an attempt to shut him up.
Get pooped on by said bird.

Get nervous at the sound of branches cracking, in case it’s the $3 police coming to collect.

Lose track of time.

“Hey Jen, what time does it get dark these days?”

“Don’t worry about it, it can’t be past noon”

“We started climbing at noon, It’s after 2″

“I don’t want to go home”

“We should head back.”

“Ok fine…” Keep walking up the mountain, pretending to co-operate.

“Nice try kitten, this way…”

Head back downwards. Discuss David Suzuki and whether or not he uses dish soap that is harmful for the environment.
Witness Dom’s pledge to be a vegetarian and then conveniently alter his pledge.

“Seriously, it was like he was talking to me. I’m never eating meat again.
Well, I won’t eat cows at least, he was so cute it was stupid. Well, I won’t eat that cow anyway. Really f@cking cute Jen, you should have seen him…”

Come down off the mountain feeling stoned, like you do when you first get out of a hot tub or stand up after a really long massage.

Get back in the van and drive to next town. Stop at a fromagerie where Dom buys (fresh and made on location from the milk of the cows who are wandering around down the street) 4 giant wedges of Brie, 4 wheels of Camembert, 1 wheel of Blue Cheese, a pack of herbed Goat Cheese for $20.

Drive around for half an hour looking for a highway.
Find one.
Drive 15 minutes before spotting a sign that says Chocolaterie 8 km.
Hear Dom scream like a girl while peeling off the highway like the Dukes of Hazard and jumping onto the chocolate exit.
Drive for half an hour.
Realize you are lost in a creepishly clean gated neighborhood of mansions.
Fear for your souls.
Get back on the highway.
Feel cozy all warm and snug as the rain starts crashing down on the windshield and Dom sings all the way home…

“JEN and CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE… and CHEESE and JEEEEENNNNNNN”

5pm. crawl out of the van and into the bath.

How awesome of a day is that? And we even hiked!