Monthly Archives: March 2010

Octomama vs The three stooges a 12 year old republican and Barbara ( I used to have respect for you) Walters.

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I never watch the view, but today I stopped pretending to work, to sit and have an early lunch in front of the television and was subject to the abuse of witnessing “The View“.
I think I used to like that show once…

Dear “The View”,
So today’s victim on your show was Octomom, Nadya Suleman.

Let me say first that I really hate it when the entire hypocritical mass that is otherwise known as the society of North
America, stages these ignorant judgmental hate campaigns against people in the public eye.

Let me say secondly that I find it grossly inappropriate, somewhat unprofessional and hugely juvenile
when celebrities with your level of influence over mass audiences, feed this mob mentality.

Before I begin to dig in to your delicious interview, let me also say that I think it’s probably a given that it’s not a good idea to give birth to 8 babies when you already have 6 and don’t have the means to support them. In fact, I’d say it’s probably a given that having 14 kids is pretty stupid no matter who you are. HOWEVER, I also feel that somebody who does choose to do this does not deserve to be villainized and publicly humiliated for it.

Furthermore I think that anyone who stages an interview that they know will only prove to be hurtful and potentially devastating to the children of the subject is grossly irresponsible even when they do it under the guise of being concerned for those children, their health and well being.

You asked her if she realized that there are many people who think maybe she isn’t “all there”.
She told you that she agreed that her ideals were at times indicative that she had phases of being somewhat in denial or delusional about how much should could take on.

You ladies jumped on that one like flies on shit didn’t you?

And then she continued to say that if she were truly mentally unstable she would have drowned a long time ago.
So, in case you missed it, her answer was a resounding NO but you had to go and say something really stupid like “delusional and in denial sounds mentally unstable to me.”
Really????
None of you have been delusional or in denial?
EVER?
Because I only have 3 kids and I’m there most of the time. It may be the only form
of coping that I know.

And if in fact, if I had never in my life had moments of delusion or denial, I assure you, none of my children would have been born.

You clearly only invited her on the show to attack and ridicule her. WHY?

So she has a billion kids..and she is supporting them by enduring these monotonous yet grueling and abusive interviews with people like you, and writing a book about her experience. WHO THE HELL CARES?

So you’re pissed that she doesn’t have a plan for how to support her kids after the interviews and interest
in her book dry up. I get that.

I know, the world of acting is such a stable employment pool but it’s actually possible that you, with maybe the exception of Barbara, could all lose your jobs tomorrow and potentially never get another gig for as long as you live.
Should we berate you for having children?

Oh no wait… you’re not mad that she has children, you’re mad that she has too many children. You’re worried that she is stretching herself too thin to properly provide for them emotionally as a parent. Right…

I must have missed the episode where you all ganged up on Angelina Jolie.

Speaking of Nadya and thin, was I imagining things or did you even show some resentment for her getting back in shape after the pregnancy, by working out 3 hours a day?
So if you’re Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s dedicated, sexy and hot. If it’s Nadya Suleman it’s…what?
Shallow, self serving and neglectful?

Or were you implying that she has an “unnatural” bikini body. You don’t really want to go there do you Barbara?

The only fun in watching that interview was how Nadya nervously deflected most of your questions
while babbling quite eloquently and bursting into “maniacal” cackling as Sherri called it.
Speaking of which, it was a bit sad the way that Sherri, after asking a non-question, seemingly had nothing intelligent to say at all and reduced the interview to mocking Nadya for the way she laughs. Absolute brilliance.

Also, pretty pathetic that you stooped to picking at the single mother of a trillion kids who you yourselves, for all intents and purposes, have clearly deemed “mentally unstable”.
Classy.

If only she were on Jersey Shore, you showed the clearly “mentally unstable” cast of that train wreck about 100 times the respect and they have about a 100th of the intelligence put together as Nadya does alone.


Jennifer June

Phallus is as phallus does…

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Just when I started to worry that we weren’t a penis obsessed enough, I find out that the Icelandic whaling town of Husavik has a museum featuring over 270 preserved penises from over 90 different species of Mammals, most of them originating on Iceland or in offshore waters but also including 23 in the “folklore” section. WHAT??

Oh… you mean like elf penises, troll, jackalope, merman and hobgoblin penises? Penises belonging to Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster or Mbielu-Mbielu-Mbielu?

Oh, OK. Phew!

Because I thought they meant Folklore the PlayStation® game and I was all.. “Yeah right! That’s not even real!”

Well… somebody had to do it right? I mean…
What if there was no Penis Museum?? What would we do then?

“It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo Sapiens. Besides there are some twenty-three folklore specimens and forty foreign ones.”

Well thank you Pall Arason for donating your manhood to Phallus Is,organ donation does save lives after all.
But mostly thanks for sending a photo of your forthcoming contribution to be mounted on the museum wall.
I, for one, am waiting with bated breath.

And, Stan Underwood, the written description of your penis ‘Elmo’ alongside a life-size plastic mould? Love it!

Regarding the “foreign” Penises, should I even ask?

Out of curiosity I googled “Vagina Museum”, to see if there was one and the first four links that came up were:

1) Museum of Menstruation
2) Vaginal douche, the ‘Omega Spray’, 1900-1940.
3) My Vagina was my village
4) World’s Strongest Vagina …

which, incidentally, belongs to Russia’s pride and joy, Tatiata Kozheynikova.

I also discovered that The Russian Museum of Erotica has been bragging about its acquisition of the penis of Rasputin.

Igor Knyazkin, the director of the Museum, claims that he bought it from a French antiquarian for $8,000.

Really?

This dude comes up to you and says “Pssst…wanna buy a penis? I’ve got this dried up 13 inch pecker that used to belong to Rasputin and I’m letting go reeeeal cheap.”
and you just take his word for it, dish out 8 grand, plunk it in a jar of formaldehyde and declare it authentic? Just like that?

Have I got something for you…

WhaleElephant

The Phallus Is museum is open May through September from noon until 6 P.M. Group reservations (It just gets better and better!) can be booked ahead of time by calling the museum at any of the following numbers: 011-354-566-8668, 011-354-868 7966 or 011-354-561 6663 and the address is: Hedinsbraut 3a, 640 Husavik, Iceland. For more information, email the museum at: phallus@phallus.is

Jennifer June

Letter to my 15 year old self:

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Dear Jennifer (aka JEM, JenX, Jennie, Jeff etc…),

we need to talk.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately and it has come to my attention that there are things you
should know before embarking on the rest of your teen age.

1- You are NOT fat. Eat, drink, be merry and most of all, be thankful you fit in those jeans that you will one day have trouble pulling up past your knees.

2- Dustin Shwam is not the bomb. Yes, he’s cute and funny but you will learn later in life that he, even in his thirties, after marriage and children, still pulls his pants down at parties and probably lights his farts on fire (Thank you Facebook taggers). Enjoy him, by all means, but don’t waste later years or tears wondering what if…

3- Black and white striped satin-spandex leggings are most certainly not OK. They never were and they never will be and if you don’t take them off this instant, there will be photos to later illustrate this point and haunt you forever.

4- Brain-eaters are called brain-eaters for a reason, don’t do them sweetie, have another rock-a-berry cooler instead. There you go, that’s the way.

5- You and Nanci are still going to be friends when you are 39. Whatever you tell her now, she will still remember then.

6- Those knee-high red suede boots are the shit, keep them forever.

7- That 12 year old kid that you blew off at the skate park will become the object of a sick and torturous obsession in about 15 years. Please stop laughing at him, Karma is real, very very real.

8- There’s a wasp in that beer bottle.

9- Don’t put Kwellada on that rash, you will turn fire engine red and writhe in agonizing pain. You do not have scabies, you are allergic to your cat.

10- You might want to re-think the whole crush on Tom Cruise thing.

11- Ethyl alcohol is not a cocktail, not even when mixed with orange juice.

12- Orange juice will not help you come down off of acid, Baby oil +aluminum foil does not equal a base tan, smoking banana peels will not get you high and there is no such thing as a born again virgin.

13- Barry has crabs

14-You’re hair is pretty and I love your juicy lips does not mean I love you, you’re so pretty. It means: I’d love to _________you by the hair while your juicy lips are wrapped around my __________.

15- Don’t stop skateboarding (see #1)

16- Your mom knows what B.J. stands for, get more creative code words.

17- Telling your youth group that you are a Satanist is neither scary nor shocking. It is predictably teenage. I know, embarrassing right?

18- Terry is going to show up really drunk at your place tomorrow night and ask if he can sleep in your bed. Don’t let him, he’s going to barf all over your hair.

19- re: topless sunbathing when your mother has her bible study group over for tea, see #17

20- You are not Cindi Lauper. Put the razor down…NOW.

Jennifer June

Who is WE exactly???

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Her face so sweet and innocent. Her eyes so curious and hungry for knowledge…

“We’re not allowed to cremate Jews right?”

The room spun upside-down and it was all I could do to keep the nausea from getting the best of me.
Should I put her in private school? Lock her in the basement? Call a therapist? Call the police?

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AND Who is WE exactly??!?”

My child is a sociopath! I suspected her sister about ten years ago when she used to antagonize the cat without apparent provocation or remorse but I never would have suspected the youngest.

OK that’s a lie. I was scared of her for a few months when she was about 4 years old, when she used to reenact the exorcist every time I tried to put her to bed, but I thought we were past all that.

“We, the people. Humans in general.”

Can’t. Breathe.

“Why on earth would WE, the people, want to cremate anyone?”

I wheezed and fumbled for a chair to defend protect hold myself up with.

“When they die mom. Some people are buried and some are cremated, hello.”

“OH! right! No. By Jewish law the dead must be buried in the earth. No cremation. That is correct. Well, I imagine there are some Jewish people who cremate but I think it’s probably rare. You’re right. Don’t cremate Jews. Excellent. Good.”

She gave me the “Maybe it’s time we got a court order and finally have her committed” look and walked away with conformation for her homework.

I curled up in a ball of shame and surrendered myself in advance to the inevitable symptoms of post traumatic stress.

*

Jennifer June

Give it to me baby

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So…
I went to a dinner party not that long ago and I have to say, it was one of many that found it’s way to the conversation of sex and how women felt they just weren’t getting enough of it. Some who hadn’t had any in months, others who hadn’t had any in YEARS, all of whom who were in committed relationships and/or even married.

But…

I thought men were supposed to be insatiable horn-dogs that wake up every morning with raging hard-ons and chase their wives around relentlessly all day and night, trying to get some action. I thought it was the wives who were too busy washing their hair and getting headaches, driving their poor husband’s to have torrid affairs with their secretaries, nannies, pool boys etc…

What if it’s not true, has this society imposed cliché actually done nothing more than smother men’s libidos with the pressure to be sex obsessed perverts and create insecure self doubting, crazy-making wives/girlfriends?

I think that most of us suffer from the odd drought from time to time and I think we might all be a little bit to blame. I think we are tired and lazy and I think that even when we are aroused, many of us think about sex and follow that thought up with…

but then I’d have to move or…shower.

It’s so much easier to effortlessly sink a little deeper into the couch and watch another episode of Mad Men. It’s kind of like having sex anyway isn’t it?

As I have mentioned in the past, I also think we expect a little much from our partners at times. I for one have been shocked by the surprise that sometimes it takes more than simply being female and laying in the bed next to a guy to get the fireworks going.

But some ladies are genuinely making an effort, they have stopped wearing granny panties and bought some real lingerie and still aren’t seeing results. They have coquettishly but fruitlessly flirted, sprained their eyelashes, hinted, suggested and possibly even begged.

So here’s the thing. If I’m stumbling on an average of 75% percent of non-single women who range from peckish to sexually starving, there has to be about a bazillion others out there and they need your help.

I don’t mean the kind of help that you can get from any issue of Cosmopolitan either.
Light candles and put on Barry white isn’t real advice and neither is turn off the T.V.

What do you do when your guy is more interested in his laptop than your lap dance? how does one reignite the spark when it has faded or died out
completely?

And men please! I know you’re reading this. Leave your comment anonymously if you’re shy, but please feel free to leave one just the same. Go on now, enlighten the ladies.

*But people please, no comments about how your man is a multi-orgasmic love stallion who gives it to you 10 times on a slow day. Nobody cares, nobody believes you and you may unnecessarily cause some women to file for divorce or at least get so drunk this afternoon that they forget to pick up the kids from school so zip it.

Jennifer June