Water With the Wine

She confessed that she and one of her sisters had recently discussed this very same topic…. that they shared concerns about me because I so rarely wear leopard print or sparkly things anymore and that they couldn’t remember the last time they had seen my cleavage on display.

Lionel

The adulteress was an exotic dancer and a fascinating fountain of unpredictably useful information.

“You can still strip when you have your period, just cut the string off your tampon and nobody will ever know.”

Sure, I was only 8 years old at the time, and not even entirely sure what a “period” was, but it was a tip I was very grateful for, many years later, as a burlesque performer.

Cornsilk, crushed dreams, and bits of stray kitty litter

I felt overwhelmed with grief over the fact that I had led my poor innocent and unsuspecting sofa into a scary unknown place where it would meet its demise. Don’t worry, I’m doubting my sanity. I understand that this emotional attachment to a piece of furniture is unhealthy and misplaced. And I understand, in theory, that my sofa wasn’t the key to my happiness or self-worth. I get that. I just need a minute.

Dear Crazy Creatives…

Are you plagued with questions that you don’t have the answers to? Do you need advice and don’t know who to turn to? Having trouble deciding whether or not to start your own business? Get bangs? Toss your SO to the curb with the rest of the trash? Are you dying to know our deepest…

Bush Envy ( Dear Jennifer June)

Dear JJC, I’ve been to pretty much every single stand-up comedy show you’ve ever done, and when I hear your stories,  I feel like we’re practically the same person even though you’re obviously cooler, smarter and prettier than me. #goals I went vegan, had 3 kids and bleached my bangs, to be just more like you!…

If you’re bored, you’re boring

Dear Jennifer June, I follow you on Instagram, Facebook and twitter. You seem so down to earth and fun, even now, during this global disaster. I don’t know how you do it! Sorry for writing about something so depressing, I’m sure you have more interesting things to do than read this, but I’m having a hard…

Am I dying or getting famous?

Last night I dreamed of my mother. We were in the front foyer of her New Jersey split-level bungalow. “I’m just going to Costco to get you a coffin, do you need anything else?” she offhandedly mentioned, as she squeezed past me in the hallway, jacket on and car keys in hand. “wait, what? You’re what?”…

Pro tip, don’t be a dick

My place   of employment recently changed medical insurers, and informed us that we would have to pay for all medical expenses out of pocket until at least October 1st, when our new cards arrive. Naturally, two days after this announcement, I quite promptly bit down on a seemingly harmless almond  and quite certainly and absolutely broke…